Behind The Mask/An Excerpt

“Thursday, April 7, 1994 Las Vegas

I’m sitting outdoors on this beautiful sunny day. We had lunch at The Palm restaurant and Howard asked me if there was a change in his personality. I explined that his patience level had dwindled.

He apologized. He knows it’s due to his own frustrations. I think he wishes he’ll never have to tell anyone, and I wish I could tell all my friends, and rip off my mask. He feels others attach a stigma to Alzheimer’s. He is right.

Tomorrow is six months since the diagnosis. Oh God, I simply cannot believe how your life can change in an instant. I feel myself wanting to do strange things.

I want to crawl into his skin. I want to run my hands all over him, and kiss everything better. I want to protect him. I don’t want him to know what is happening. I want to run my hand over the grass, or trail my hands or feet in the water. I want to look at the sunsets, see the mountains. I want to beat the crap out of something, anything. I want to cry. I want a hug. I want to touch velvet and silk. I want to touch Howard and I want to heal him with my kisses and my love. I want him not to worry about me. I want YESTERDAY. I’m scared of tomorrow.

Most of all I don’t want him to see me cry. I want to publish a book, while he still understands he is reading about our love affair. I want him not to worry about me. I want someone to worry about me. How’s that for an oxymoron?”

Come back tomorrow, and I will tell you how it is now, all these years later.

Keep love and kisses in your life. Helene


  1. Thanks! Nice post.